


Louder Than Thunder

by ashyluka



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Character POV, I'm mean to Jean, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, rating will probably change eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-20
Packaged: 2018-02-24 14:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2584310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashyluka/pseuds/ashyluka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean is breaking down and he doesn't even know it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wow this is short, but I was inspired and I had to get it out.  
> Want more? Let me know.

* * *

  
_I don't think I deserve it;_  
 _selflessness find your way into my heart._  
 _All stars could be brighter._  
 _All hearts could be warmer._  
 _What would it take for things to be quiet?_

_-Louder Than Thunder by The Devil Wears Prada_

* * *

 

 

His last words haunt me like the sound of a child crying.

Loud. Loud. _LOUD._ Too loud.

I can't stand it as I pace around in the grassland underneath the moonlight, teeth gritting in frustration as I dig my hands through my hair. It seems to grow worse with each passing day and night and I'm not sure how much longer I can stand it.

 _'Jean.'_ The voice whispers alongside the breeze.

 _'Calm down,'_ It taunts, unknowingly.

I want it to stop.

Please, God, if you are there. If you aren't just playing a cruel game of chess with our souls behind these walls, make him stop.

I don't want to hear him anymore.

I already have to watch my comrades suffer on a daily basis, life is already proving itself to be essentially meaningless in this world we live in.

It's a constant bet on who will die next, isn't it? It's a game only you can win, and we are all destined to be losers by the end.

And that's why I hate you.

I hate you so much.

You took him away from me, you've taken my friends. You mutilated my commander and you continue to hurt everyone around me, and I just want it to stop.

I don't even like the suicidal bastard, and I'm starting to understand why he's felt the way he does.

But he's stronger than me. He's stronger than me and I hate it.

 _'Jean, calm down.'_ He whispers once more. It numbs me and I can't help but feel tears sting my face.

Am I going crazy?

What would it take for things to be quiet?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will be frequent because inspiration for me comes and goes quickly, so apologies in advance.

* * *

 

_Sand and stone, struggles to claim and own_   
_(Take my burden, I can’t bear the weight)_   
_Wars lost won, promises come undone_   
_(I’ve been fighting, trying not to break)_

_-The Keeper by Kina Grannis (ft. Marie Digby)_

* * *

 

 

The days seem to go slow like a leaf floating on the clear, translucent blue of the rivers we pass on horseback in the early lights of morning.

Still, I think of you.

Still, I hear your voice constantly like a roaring fire that only seems to grow and grow more without any sign of slowing down. It never leaves me and I still think I'm going crazy. I mean, there's no logical reason for me to be hearing you everywhere.

Why won't you leave me alone, Marco?

It's gotten to the point even Corporal Levi has shown concern, like that's even possible for him with that dead stone face of his. And he _has_. He says I've gotten more paranoid lately, that he's heard me shout at the nothingness ahead of me when I thought no one was looking at me.

I don't understand it. You're constantly whispering to me, and you're telling me no one else can fucking hear you? You're so loud though!

_'Jean, it's okay.'_

_'Jean.'_

_'Calm down'_

You say that, you fucking say that, but I can't calm down Marco, I can't. I see your face all the time. That beautiful smile, the constellations of freckles on your dimpled cheeks, _those eyes_. Those eyes are always watching me and I don't know how to calm down.

Are you watching over me? Please, send me an answer. Anything. I don't care what, just...please Marco.

I don't want to be crazy.

* * *

_Later that Night_

* * *

 

I woke up with a massive headache and I couldn't help but groan. I tried to get up, but Mikasa held me down just as fast as I got up. She told me that I just suddenly passed out without warning while we were on our way to a shelter. I became unresponsive, Marco, and the only thing I did say before I passed out was 'Please Marco.'

Was this my sign from you? Did you answer me by doing this to me?

I can't help but feel slightly relieved because this means you are there. The others are confused and concerned, but I don't care. _You're there_.

You are there and you are watching me, aren't you?

_'Jean. It's okay.'_

Yes...Yes, I think it's okay.

You're my keeper, aren't you?

 


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

_Forgive me, I'm just so fucked up in the head_  
 _Kiss me, whilst I set fire to our bed_  
 _Do I embarrass you beyond belief?_  
 _Is losing me such a big relief?_  
 _We won't ever be_

_\- Lilo by Lauren Aquilina_

* * *

 

 

I hate myself, Marco.

I hate myself.

After the event the other night where I passed out, I had to lie and say there was nothing wrong with me. They wanted to send me back home to my mother. Can you believe that? They said they were worried about my so-called 'head injuries' I obtained from that fall.

Ha, like there's anything wrong with me anyway. I'm here fighting for humanity and equality and all of that good stuff. Besides, I'm not leaving you behind.

 _'Jean,'_ I hear you whisper as I lay back in the dewy field and look up to the starry sky. I can feel you beside me, your warm breath against my ear and it makes me shiver.

Connie and Sasha keep attempting to get me to eat with the rest of them, but I decline because I'd rather be here with you. Of course, I don't say that out loud.

It looks like it's just you and me. Sometimes though, I catch Corporal Levi glancing at me -or us rather- and I swear he sees you too. He has that same haunted look in his eyes. But he always shrugs it off and it's back to just me alone.

That's okay though.

I like it just being you and me again, like old times.

I guess the night took over though because soon enough, I was asleep and you were there with me.

Why do you look so sad and concerned though? What's wrong Marco?

I reached out you, but you just shook your head solemnly and turned your gaze away. I saw your mouth moving, but I didn't hear what you said. I didn't hear you and I woke up in tears. It took all I had to keep the sobs from bubbling out.

And just like that, your words echoed.

_'Calm down. Jean.'_

Why is that all you say? I mean, I'm happy to hear you at all, but that's not what I want to hear Marco. And I know that's not what you were saying in my dream.

I got up from my spot in the grass and threw my fist at the nearest tree. This hurts. Why Marco, why do you keep saying that all the time? Why do you keep fucking saying that?

Please, Marco, tell me what you really wanted to say.

Please.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

  _Every time I end up breaking you_  
 _You change into_  
 _Something worth keeping_  
 _Every time I'm close to saving you_  
 _You grow into_  
 _A sin worth believing_  
 _You're everything I ever wanted but_  
 _It's never enough_  
 _You're never enough_

_-I Hate You by Sick Puppies_

* * *

 

 

I got yelled at today by Corporal Levi, Marco. He said he was tired of me having tantrums for no reasons and told me to get my shit together, that I need to stop doing this every day.

I don't know what he's talking about. What am I doing wrong? Aren't I helping find Eren and Historia? I think I am, even if I messed up a few times on the way.

Armin actually saved my life not too long ago. I thanked him and I felt grateful, but at the same time it wouldn't have happened if you were just quiet for once. You keep getting louder and clearer every day. I feel bad for Armin though, he's never directly killed someone and he had to in order to save me. He doesn't have someone like you to watch out for him like I do.

_'It's okay, Jean'._

I believe you Marco, I know it's okay. Can you please tell me what you looked sad about a few nights ago? It really frustrates me not knowing why you looked at me like that, and I'm really uncomfortable with that.

Please tell? I won't tell anybody else, I promise.

I'll wait as long as I have to.

 

* * *

_Later that night_

* * *

 

 

I'm here again Marco. It's so hard not to cry when I'm next to you again.

You hug me tightly, your eyes appear so bright and full of life here...but you still look at me that way you did before. It's uncomfortable, what's wrong? Can't you tell me?

You shake your head, of course not, of course you can't tell your best friend. You probably hang out with Eren's mom and dad and everyone lost since the Titans first shown up everything...but you can't fucking tell me.

I grit my teeth and push you away from me. No, Marco, I can't hug you. Not right now. first you have to tell me what's wrong.

You're sighing in defeat and you place a hand on my shoulder, once more you open your mouth to speak.

I can almost make out the beginning of a sentence, different from your usual words, but just like before, of fucking course, I wake up.

Drenched in sweat and tears at the corner of my eyes, I scream.

And again, your voice echoes. This time alongside my screams as the rest of the group gathers around me in concern, shaking me, all of them looking disturbed at me as my screams echo through the night.

_'Calm down Jean.'_

Not again, oh God, not again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter is dedicated to the person (who I won't name at this moment) who I'm finding myself falling in love with slowly with each passing month. They don't know, or maybe they do. But this is for you.

* * *

_Just close your eyes_  
 _The sun is going down_  
 _You'll be alright_  
 _No one can hurt you now_  
 _Come morning light_  
 _You and I'll be safe and sound_

_-Taylor Swift ft. The Civil Wars_

* * *

 

 

I'm starting to see you more often now, Marco. And it's scaring me.

I want to believe that you're there, I really do, but you aren't really there at all, are you?

After I woke up that one night screaming, they haven't let me out of their sight. None of them. They're stating that I'm a danger to myself and others and I don't want to believe that.

_'Calm down, Jean.'_

I want to, God you have no clue how much I want to. I saw you smiling at me though and I was so, so sure it was you until you spoke and it wasn't you. After that, I began to hide myself.

You're everywhere, Marco. You're everywhere and I don't know what to do anymore. Please help me. Please tell me what you really meant to say so I can stop seeing you.

 

* * *

_Later that night_

* * *

 

 

I fell asleep that night with Hanji nearby. She didn't want to risk anything, she said to the team and I that I probably have psychosis, that I have some of the symptoms and that they were growing worse the more that time passed and that while the cause of such a thing is not known for sure, that you were a factor in my developing it.

And I never want to think  that you could do this to me.

I know you're dead...at least that's what they tell me, but I don't want to believe it.

Please tell me it's not true, Marco. Tell me that you're still here _SOMEHOW_.

I opened my eyes and found myself sitting next to you again in my dreams. Why do you look so sad again?

Marco?

You turned to look me in the eyes, that's when you glanced downward and I heard sudden ruffling from where you were.

That's when I noticed your wings.

Your wings are so pure, almost blinding to look at.

 They're so beautiful, Marco, but does this mean what I think it does?

No, no...don't look at me with that look. Not that solemn smile. When you look at me like that, that means you'll say the same thing you always do. And I don't want to hear that.

But you didn't say anything right away.

You just took my hand and lifted me to my feet before brushing a hand across my cheek, and then you leaned close the way you used to. So gently, so quietly, as if you were going to kiss me.

But instead you whispered into my ear those familiar words, but they were different this time. It wasn't the same as before.

_'It's okay.'_

Those wings enveloped me after that and all I saw was darkness. Those pure wings...why isn't the light here anymore?

Marco?

I can't feel you anymore. I can't feel myself.

Marco, please, don't leave me yet.

* * *

_The next morning_

* * *

 

I didn't wake up.

I was there, I heard the team panicking (which was out of character for them considering I'm just another soldier among the hundreds lost for one reason or another) and I saw Hanji giving me mouth-to-mouth, but I couldn't feel it.

And just like that, I was gone. I don't know why.

Is this what dying was like for you? Were you stuck like this until you somehow gained your freedom to the Heavens?

Oh Marco, I'm so scared.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was inspired by this youtube video when I wrote this chapter.   
> http://youtu.be/IXmGSIxYBOU   
> I hope this doesn't seem rushed, I don't think it is since I have an idea of where this is going.


End file.
